Resilience, Service, and Survival
with SaraMae Hollandsworth
How can facing your greatest challenges and limitations actually become an opportunity to help others and find your highest purpose? SaraMae Hollandsworth joins JT to share the incredible story of regaining her strength and using her experience with disability to inspire countless people around the world through her dedication to fitness.
SaraMae is a lifelong athlete who experienced a sudden medical emergency that resulted in the amputation of both of her legs below the knee. She shares the mental strength, resilience and self-acceptance needed to regain her identity and move past limitations others placed on her.
Tune in to hear how, regardless of physical ability, our greatest tests can become our greatest teachers and opportunities to help others through service.
-
JT 0:00
Alright ladies, gentlemen, I appreciate you joining us today. We are honored to have on Sarah May, Sarah May. Thank you so much for taking the time to do this. Thank
SaraMae Hollandsworth 0:08
you for having me. I'm super excited to connect and share a little bit of our journey with your audience. Yes.
JT 0:15
All right. So first off, the viewers aren't seeing but you're rocking your athletic brewing. Ambassador t shirt. Yeah,
SaraMae Hollandsworth 0:23
you're gonna rock it. I have a I even have one here to enjoy it. See, I
JT 0:28
always I always have one while doing this, and I'm embarrassed Sam clean up. I got I know. Yours. But sorry. I got nothing. I gotta I gotta keep coming. Monday, so checks checks in the mail. Yeah. So what maybe we'll start off with that. This these. You've been an ambassador now for how long?
SaraMae Hollandsworth 0:52
Goodness gracious time is obviously plying for all of us, I'm sure. So it seems like it's been about six months. But that means it could be like three months or a year. I'm not totally sure.
JT 1:04
And how did that whole thing come to be?
SaraMae Hollandsworth 1:07
I just love athletic brewing. I kind of just been a fan for some time. And then I like to have a lot of fun. But health is my highest priority. And so I realized, I want to be able to have a lot of fun, specifically fitness type fun. And this is a lot better than maybe cracking open an alcoholic beverage. Yeah. So I was super excited. And then they're just so good. So it gives me that, you know, enjoyment without sacrificing health.
JT 1:34
Yeah, they are. They are pretty fantastic. So that's how I came upon your story. Right? And, and I've been I've been doing some ceremony research here in the past couple days, kind of find out more about you. We jumped on a phone call for about 510 minutes just to kind of go over some stuff before this started. And there's anyone who's going to look at your Instagram. And that's the first thing I'm gonna say is, please, please get to Jeremy's Instagram because you are putting out some amazing content really good stuff, inspirational stuff, you've got a lot of things going on. One, you're lifting a boatload of weight, right? You're doing some, some massive weight. And to there's something else that's gonna stand out when somebody sees it. Yeah, you happen to be missing a couple body parts.
SaraMae Hollandsworth 2:23
I forget that myself. So I'm glad that you threw that out there. Yeah, my prosthetics are incredible. I'm so grateful I have an amazing prosthetist. The, it's just, it's literally blows my mind, the quality that of legs we get to have where I don't even think about it feels like part of my body. And like you said, I'm lifting some heavy weights. So it's so cool that it feels a part of me to be able to do that, again, not the exact level that I used to do it, but in a way that feels really good. We're
JT 2:55
gonna get into that, obviously the entire story about that, but when I first came, I first kind of stumbled onto the Instagram and the one of the great things about the athletic brewing ambassador program is they've built a community right like it's amazing group of people all kind of like minded in the fact that fitness plays a big part of their life and maybe you know, for some alcohol doesn't at all. And for others, it's just an alternative for times they don't want to drink but yeah. So I was on there and I was just I was I was so inspired. And I'm sure you hear that all the time. And I know that's probably not why you're why you do what you do. But really I want to I'm gonna just jump right to it. From what I know about you you've picked up in a part of your life who as far as your fitness goals have gone even though you know a lot of people do at the point that you were at would say how right that is no longer part of my journey right like this. This my life has changed dramatically. You are you are bucking the system. What as far as that goes, and yeah. I just want to get into it. What made you think you could do it? And I mean that in the most respectful possible way, like what what was going on your brain said, Hey, listen, I no longer have parts of my legs yet. I'm going to squat. I think you you said you're squatting 200 pounds. And that was one of the most recent posts.
SaraMae Hollandsworth 4:22
Yeah, 25
JT 4:24
I'm pumped about it to 25 Yeah, what like, what's going on? What's going on in your brain? Like what's telling your brain talking to itself and saying, Hey, I'm still gonna squat 225 pounds?
SaraMae Hollandsworth 4:37
Well, a few things. I mean, I started working out really early. Like I was a kid. I was sweating to the oldies. That tells my age a little bit. As a young kid, I went through step aerobics classes. I had a personal trainer, I think at age 14 and took up lifting. I did bodybuilding. I've been a personal trainer my whole life. So that's just who I am. Um, and of course, when I knew I was gonna lose my legs, there was a fear of it was more of how I mean, of course, I think anytime we go through something life altering, incredibly challenging, we're going to have the voices of doubt, like, Can I do this am I up to this, but I just really set out to define because I'm, you know, there's some negative stigma from back in the day and just different things. And so I was incredibly intentional about creating a very positive future for myself. And so that started with researching and finding other amputee athletes to see the things that they were doing. So I have to really pay tribute to those who've gone before me, and we're doing amazing things that created a picture of like, I really can do anything. And then my whole life, I've been training for this, I've done so many reps, I couldn't ever begin to put a number on it. So it was just like, we're gonna do the reps, it might be different, and we're gonna figure it out. And then I just have a really incredible prosthetist who makes it possible and, you know, foundations that donate the prosthesis, because those aren't covered by insurance that allow us to be athletes. So there's just it's kind of takes a village. But then I have that, you know, driving forces the engine.
JT 6:23
Yeah, I love the fact you start seeking out people immediately, and other athletes because they, I would imagine that the the message that they're giving you is not the same message you're getting from a bunch of other people. Am I correct?
SaraMae Hollandsworth 6:37
Yes. Very much. I mean, even I remember wailing in so one of my hospital appointments for who knows what and a wheelchair? And that may have been saying, Are you going to get prosthetics and in my head, I'm like, why would I sit in a chair if I don't have to, you know, because I have most of my legs. And I'm, you know, not paralyzed. And I just see movement as a blessing and a gift. So I'm like, whatever is available to me, I'm going to use it to the fullest and probably try to expand it. So there was just a lot of that, like, it's not, I remember going to I really tried to refuse. When I was in the hospital with amputations, they were encouraging me to go to a support group there. And I was refusing and they were like, You're in denial, you need to do this. They just wore me down the nurses. So I finally went. And that was like, the low, the lowest moment for me because, first of all, I was the only fresh amputee there. There was one other person who was facing amputation, there was someone who was a couple of months ahead of me, and then people who at various points, but I ended up like encouraging everybody and kind of leading the group of like, there's so much we can do. And it just, it was a very depressing environment. And it, it was hard, like, there was a moment where I felt like, there was just this really grim outcome, you know, but then I tried to just pour into the people who were there because I get it, like it's not for any of us for any, it doesn't matter, whatever challenges are challenged, and the thing that stretches us, I think there's so many people that feel like they don't have a support system or kind of like you said, that wasn't necessarily the picture that was being painted to me. You know, maybe from people around me maybe from within the healthcare system, but I created that image for myself and not everybody necessarily knows how to do that. Right. I was prepared to but I think goodness for like my personal growth journey leading up to it, I had a fairly solid foundation of like, okay, I kind of know what to do I can take these tools it's a much higher level challenge but let me take some of the tools and habits that helped me overcome in other ways leading up and apply them to this. Yeah,
JT 8:55
and I want to get into the those habits because I would imagine your journey without having that kind of foundation would have been precarious at the most right. Yeah. You know, a lot of times I feel like we fall into these roles of a title right? So you see, they say they see ceremi You're gonna be you're now an amputee and we're gonna put you with this other group of amputee and, and they fall in line with what goes along with with that community. I'm speculating, right? I've never I've never met him, but I've seen in other communities. And there's a power in saying no, I'm going to like that doesn't apply to me. I'm going to make my own my own future. And that's where I think a lot of times that ignorance really is what a lot of people need. Oh,
SaraMae Hollandsworth 9:48
for sure. For sure it was carving that because there were there's different support groups and things that I reached out to and I just remember I was just so I was maybe a little bit abrasive I didn't mean to be, but I was just like, I need to talk to athletes, and they need to be highly level athletes, like if you're, if they're someone that's going to be a peer support person for me, they need to be savages. But I just remember, it's like, I wasn't coming across that. And that's not what I was getting. And so then yeah, against seeking it out, because it's like, we get to decide, whatever challenge we face, we get to decide how, what we're going to do with it. And I was like, I'm gonna kick its ass. So I need to find other people who are doing that. So that's the picture in my mind that I'm pushing for, you know, and I'm kind of chasing that I think every day with the work that I'm putting in, but I'm also like, it's like healing me, the girl that first of all, my spirit, that's always been me. And then the me that lost my legs and feared, what am I going to be able to do? What's life gonna look like? It's like, I'm paying tribute to that with every workout that I put in, as well as just I've always had a sense of responsibility of like, showing people what's possible, you know, breaking cycles, different things like that. And so that really drives me just by showing up doing the work, getting better, not having, you know, limitations, or obviously, we all have them to some extent, but like you said, bucking the system,
JT 11:16
does that help you hold, like, hold yourself accountable in ways knowing that it's almost not necessarily service work, but but there are people that are going to be in the boat, like the same boat, and they're gonna say, I need to talk to an athlete and they need to be savage, and you won't be on you might be the one to look into.
SaraMae Hollandsworth 11:34
Totally, and I you know, I would like to do everything that I can to always be available to speak that life into, into someone who might need it. And obviously, it's like our, we all have our thing that we that maybe haunts us that we're overcoming. You could call it a disability or handicap and they're not visible, you know, and most of the people it's like I had mine, the things that I struggled with before. And so I think there's something powerful in you can see a physical visible challenge on me, people see that. And obviously, by the way that I try to carry myself I'm very intentional of giving someone hope and strength through that. So they can see she's obviously like, standing on something that could have taken her out and thriving to send a message to whoever sees it. But that's possible for everybody.
JT 12:30
I'm interested in when somebody's identity is in question, right? When when somebody is has put a large amount of their time and their life into something and then that thing potentially can go away. So so let's start off with with your life and fitness. Right let's let's get into how early you started and kind of your progression up until the time that you that you that you lost your legs. Yeah,
SaraMae Hollandsworth 12:59
again, I am a lifelong runner. That was my dad used to run back in like middle school against Prefontaine, I'm from Oregon running is like the religion here. So you know, that's, that's what I cut my teeth on, and mostly a sprinter. But I did distance stuff. And that's just always been the thing for me. And then I also started lifting weights at like, 14. So that's been there my whole life. I was a college runner, personal trainer at the time that this all happened to me. I had done fitness competitions in my early 20s. And then 10 years later, I was doing fitness competitions as well, I was preparing for one, as well as a half marathon. And that's when all this happened. I was running up stadium stairs, in Dallas, Texas with my bootcamp clients. And I was like, I just don't, I don't feel right. Like I know my body. I didn't feel injured, but I was like, I don't feel right. And I was pushing through it. Because that's seen, I think it's actually so are conditioned to do and I probably do that a little bit more than I always shift. And then I just, you know, I ended up I got so bad it was progressively getting worse that I ended up in the ER. And that's when I went into full organ failure was on life support and placed in a medically induced coma for a couple of weeks not expected to live. Which the kind of I mean, feels weird to say the cool part about that is I remember the coma. And it was like very much like mental warfare going on. There was this. It was just I felt like I was fighting for my life. But actually, I mean, that's exactly what I was doing in the coma. But I I believe that that was true in reality as well. Like there was just this fight because I had this understanding that if I quit fighting, then the like suffering could stop. But I also had this like understanding that that meant my death. So it's cool for me to reflect on like, I think we we work hard at things and we don't necessarily I always see the fruit or we don't even understand the fullness of how it blesses our life. Right? And there's just this awareness of all the like, fight in me and all those reps that I've taken and all that stuff really served me in like a fight for my life and kind of dramatically.
JT 15:17
Yeah. Yeah. Well, it is dramatic. I mean, it's, you know, I heard you say in another podcast that that, you know, you initially going in with with some lower back pain than they thought it was sciatic pain, pumps you up with some drugs, but that at some point, you said, I'm dying.
SaraMae Hollandsworth 15:35
Mm hmm. Yeah, I went in the hospital the first day, like you said, they believed it to be sciatica, sent me home full of morphine. And then I vaguely at this point, I was in and out of consciousness. And I do I remember at one bout when I was awake, I said, I'm dying. And so they rushed me back in and I was I mean, it was die. What?
JT 15:56
What made you feel that like, what what was the feeling was like, hey, this this I'm, you know, like, you hear people say, like, they have the flu, like, I'm dying. But you were dying. Can you even put that into words? And on what was it? Was it a feeling? Was it pain? Like what was it?
SaraMae Hollandsworth 16:14
I think it's a both I, you know, again, as athletes, We're hard wired hard chargers push through. This would have been like, I mean, I haven't broken a bone. Granted, I've had some of it removed. But some, like, you know, I think if you're an athlete, and you just have this blow and you know, this isn't just a regular injury or thing it was like it was mind bending pain. I was sweating profusely and I think I kind of felt sound weird, but like, my soul, like in and out, like I was on the way out. I just had this like, it's about and I mean, had I have not gone in that night, I would have died. Probably that night in my second I was dying. So I just knew
JT 17:01
I want to let you tell a story. But but, you know, you go into full organ failure. Well, you know, I'm gonna because I don't want to butcher this I'm gonna let you kind of take us from there. The and then I'll stop you because I had I have some some questions and some comments about this insane war you're you're in within your own mind as well, like during a coma and plus physically. So walk us walk us through it.
SaraMae Hollandsworth 17:25
Yeah, so I went back and it was a second time. I think it was like 24 hours later after they'd sent me home. I guess right before I went in, I use the restroom. I paid it was black. So that is clearly my kidneys were failing. And then they that's they said, We're gonna have to put her under to save her. And they did. I mean, they really didn't expect me to live, they told everybody to say goodbye. And pretty much right away, my blood pressure tanked to like not even really survivable level levels. So they pumped me full of vasopressors, which kept all of the blood flow localized to my vital organs and brain. And that's what ultimately made me lose my legs because I lost blood flow to my feet. And then my I had a heart attack. My kidneys crashed. Pretty much all of it during that time.
JT 18:21
You know, I asked you on the phone, and I've heard you say it before, like, they don't even truly know exactly, because they couldn't do the diagnostic tests to figure that out. Yeah, that's gotta leave you scratching your head. Like, what the hell happened?
SaraMae Hollandsworth 18:40
Yeah, that was like a, that was a journey in and of itself, because I had this fear of like, did I do this to myself, to some extent, you know, and then there was kind of this acceptance and radical responsibility of it. And there were warning signs, like there really were i. So to back up, they it was a septic shock. My body was in septic shock. It was from MSSA. So it's like a different form of Mersa. Luckily, my kind responds to antibiotics. So I think that gave me a leg up sorta. But they're kind of best guests. So when I woke up from the coma, I was telling them, my hip still hurt. And I think at that point, they were like, That's the least of your worries is what it felt like. So there wasn't a lot and unfortunately, in healthcare, you know, it's a lot of treating the symptoms and not necessarily getting to the root and I'm a root cause girl, so I was like, this was here before. It's still here. Now what's going on? I was also kind of out of it. So in the hospital, there wasn't like a ton of answers around my hip. But fast forward. It was a long journey. When I went to have my legs amputated. I told him I'm very concerned. I still have this pain in my hip. So when you amputate my feet, I'm that's not going I take care of this pain in my hip. And I need to know like what it is. And I don't want to, it's so bad that I don't want to move because movement, the pain is unbearable, but I don't want to medicate enough to, you know, take the pain away. So finally I got them to look at it. And he said, the hips destroyed. And his best guess is that that's where the infection started that then spread in my body and caused me to be septic. So it's like, likely the cause but you know, it's just kind of a best guess.
JT 20:31
I guess it really doesn't matter. Yeah, it's totally where
SaraMae Hollandsworth 20:35
I came to, like, no matter what didn't change anything, right? Even if you know what I'm saying or anything, but
JT 20:41
I'm, I'm sure that that conclusion took a while because you must question everything like you. Yeah, you are a fit woman you have been, you know, your entire life and to some to have something so, so drastically extreme happened to you physically. I mean, you had to be like, What the fuck happened? I thought everything was so totally,
SaraMae Hollandsworth 21:06
totally. But it really took my foundation because, you know, we're, I believe are multifaceted, like the whole Mind, Body Soul, it's all connected. And I had the physicality on lock. But I for sure had other areas in my life that sabotage a lot of that, you know, like, I wasn't in a good environment, I was in a toxic relationship. I was physically in pain, but I was in the habit of ignoring pain, physically, just like mentally, emotionally spiritually. So there's so much that was connected that it really it was kind of like, the hero's journey, and that I was put in the fire. You know, like you said, identity, loss of identity. Who am I now, who do I desire to be like, All That wasn't me all that was false, really, like burnt away? And then what is me has continued to develop to a greater degree, and I'm still, you know, walking that out figuring that out daily. It's like a lifelong journey, which is the fun like, like gold. And it's like a scavenger hunt of ourselves. But yeah, fascinating.
JT 22:07
Yeah, it's weird how that whole, like, the pain pleasure thing. It's all in the same place in the brain and where we feel it, and you question why we surround ourselves with like, either a relationship or doing something unhealthy? And I mean, yeah. You hear people say, I wouldn't change this. Right? And you've probably been asked this 1000 times. How do you how do you even answer that? Is this? Can you at some point, go this is a positive? Do you think you would have started on the journey, regardless of what happened? Like, what's your thoughts on that?
SaraMae Hollandsworth 22:47
And the honest answer is, and I feel like this is, I don't know, I don't want to surmise what anyone else feels. But the honest answer is, it depends what they you asked me, right. Like, of course, of course, I would want my old body back and different things like that. And I would like who I've become, because of it, both of those to be able to move forward. And I was on the journey, you know, that's the hard part is like I was on the personal development growth journey. And I feel that it was possible that I would have gotten there. But I also just trust that. And I did, like, I made the choice when all this happened, because of course, I didn't feel like what a gift. It was very much the opposite. But I was like, I have an opportunity to decide. And I was like, I just don't believe in like, a cruel universe, God, whatever your belief is. And so I was like, I just believe that this happened for me, and that I'm gonna have a chance to be of service through this for the greater good. And that was kind of the decision that even when I didn't feel good, was like my North Star that I constantly kind of leaned towards. That makes sense. Yeah.
JT 23:58
Yeah. When I think about your story, I do I, it's not an opera. I mean, I just I don't want to tread lightly on this. It's, it's amazing that the thing that you enjoy doing the most, which is fitness, right, it's lifting, it's pushing yourself physically. I can't imagine you would ever think that that thing was going to be what inspires so many people. But to get to that, you mean the sacrifice is is immense. Its immense. So it's got to be a strange thing to wrap your head around and like have people come to you and be like, This is so inspiration you're like, Well, this is what I do. This is me, I just happen now not to have more legs. So it's total. It's gotta be gotta be a weird place for it.
SaraMae Hollandsworth 24:46
It is and I think that's one of those things that we kind of talked about like what is you remains and and it was kind of that it's like I want to do inspire beforehand and I did I've always been known for that through my strange or but I think I think we all have weakness we're humans like, and no one wants to really share that necessarily, right? Like I didn't, I was always just trying to be stronger, better, stronger, better, stronger, better. And this has made me incredibly in touch, and almost like honoring of our humanity. And so I think now, it's like my strength standing on a quote unquote, weakness, or, you know, my visible thing that we all have. And so I understand how it was maybe limited before and not even limited, but it's just like greater now, which I think is cool. I'm so grateful that I still get to have that, because that was my fear is that I wouldn't. And then of course, I still do. And now it's just magnified, which is such a blessing. Yeah,
JT 25:44
yeah. It's amazing. I mean, you alluded to it in the beginning, like, everyone has something, a lot of times it's internal, yours just happens to be external people can see it. And that is truly an amazing opportunity to really, I don't even want to say role model. And because you're just being you, right, you're just being you and people are seeing it. But what was it what was the process from from the time that this happens to you, too, you can actually because you mentioned your hip, you have to have hip replacement? I mean, right there. Take somebody with with with two functional legs, they've got hip replacement, the idea of squatting 225. Seems seems like it is distant. If you get it. It's a distant memory. Yeah, very unlikely. What was the process here, you have the hip replacement. How long before we before ceremonies is like, hey, I need to get doing something like now.
SaraMae Hollandsworth 26:50
Well, it's crazy to think about now because it's like 25 is what I'm doing now. And when I first had my hip replaced, I remember trying to lift my leg like doing a clamshell, or like Jane Fonda leg lift on your side with half my leg. And I could only get like an inch of movement. And I just remember like, literally before I almost died, I was like pressing like 1000 pounds and squatting like 385 I don't know, I've always been a heavy lifter. So to be laying there, unable. I mean, just that was my reality. I was like, How in the hell will I ever get where I am now. And it took time. And honestly, it took time for me like mentally and emotionally I've seen I get like FOMO I've seen so many new amputees come back and quickly kick ass. And I wish that had been my story. But I had to put the pieces of like my mind and my spirit back together it was I've always been strong and fit I never knew otherwise. So to go from being like the teacher and then becoming the student and to such an extreme degree, while also like protecting the way that I thought about myself and the way that I envisioned my future and moving through that like that just took so much for me. And I was just honestly exhausted. And then I avoided because I was heartbroken. So I avoided fitness a lot. I didn't want to be where I was at. And so that took a couple years to be honest. And then I was like, okay, kind of like you said, like I have to do this. And I just went into the gym with like tears streaming down my face and did like, the little movements that I could and that still felt normal. And then I like you know, expanded upon that. But I'm just like a fish in water in the gym. It's like, once you've put me in the gym, I'm going to figure it out. And that's where I'm so freaking grateful for the many like most of my life of putting in the reps because that muscle memory just paid off in dividends. And I know that's you know, plays a big role in what I'm able to do and how much I'm able to do. And I'm so grateful for that.
JT 29:00
Yeah, I mean, you're, you're even talking about like, other amputees that kind of get into it, and they seem like they're kicking ass. I imagine the healing. I mean, here's my mouth, you're talking about your body's shutting down, right. Like, it's not like they just you just had Yeah, part of your legs tissues like this is? Yeah, you were in a coma having like this battle in your mind of whether you know to give into the darkness or light or whatever it is. It's like yeah, so yeah, and I'm sure that must have been very, very hard. You said that thought of going back to something that you were at such a high level and starting so low, but that's where the power is. And, you know, that's where it's like, I'll go to a triathlon or I'll go somewhere and I'll see somebody that is there. Clearly, this is their first one, right? This is not their normal thing. And I'm, I'm almost more inspired by that. And then then the man or woman is winning. You know what I mean? I think it's totally
SaraMae Hollandsworth 29:58
It's smart. I'm about to start and begin for sure. That's where like the bravery is, like you said, it doesn't take a lot of bravery to go kick ass repeatedly. Yeah. When you've been doing it all the time? Sure,
JT 30:11
sure. Do you do a lot of people reach out to you that have or maybe been in similar situations are, potentially you're going to be going through the same kind of thing.
SaraMae Hollandsworth 30:23
Yeah, and I'm super grateful I've had, like nurses that were with me in the ICU or different people that are still in the community, like my prosthetist or whoever they'll put me in touch with, like a new amputee are also other amputee as well. And I think some find me on social media, which I'm incredibly grateful to do, it's just like paying it forward from those who did it for me. So that's probably my favorite, favorite thing to do, has
JT 30:49
has some of those people who have been from like the veteran community.
SaraMae Hollandsworth 30:53
I have been blessed to work with them. And I'm excited to do more. That work. That's been, I've always felt really close to veterans, I almost enlisted out of high school, to the Marines and had friends who served and then, you know, losing legs, like a large population are wounded veterans, like when you're at the prosthetist office or things like that. And I think there's also just say, like, understanding of battle and being a warrior and some of that things that there's like a shared language there. So that's, yeah, that community has my heart for sure. You
JT 31:28
you, you share an outlook on life, I had an opportunity to interview Travis mills. I don't know if that name sounds. Yeah. Yeah.
SaraMae Hollandsworth 31:38
I've met Travis. Oh, have you really.
JT 31:40
And it was almost we you talked about acceptance. And his was like an acceptance of our I used to have my arms and legs and I don't need more. I can dwell on that forever. But but that seems kind of pointless. So this is just my life from here on out. And then other people don't have that outlook, like what do you what do you think the difference on that on that is, like, if you could talk to somebody who doesn't have that kind of positive outlook, and you're going to try and give them these words of wisdom? Like, what do you think that makes you your brain a little bit different in processing that then then maybe some others.
SaraMae Hollandsworth 32:22
I think part of it is the work that I put into personal development. And this was like, the test. This was like, where I really had to take my head knowledge and you know, apply it. And I think there's a level because I not to sound cheesy, but I was voted like best body in high school, I was a bikini model fitness competitor. So my physical body outside of just my ability has been a huge part of my identity. And because of that, I think I had an extra opportunity to accept it outside of just functionality because I think what I've witnessed is a lot in the community is, you know, insecurity and appearance and different things like that, like it's real. And I think having come from fitness model and being known for my body in that way to then meeting it. And again, like you said, it wasn't just Oh, I lost my leg. It was like my body went through how I went into the coma, like ready to walk on stage the next week and ballooned up, I was like maybe 115 super lean, ballooned up to like 160 pounds, because my kidneys shut down, it was full of liquid just like oozing out of my body. And then when I left the ICU and the hospital six weeks later, I was like 85 pounds, and I literally looked like I just come from the Holocaust, I'll never forget when I caught my eye in the mirror for the first time. And I mean, it looked like a corpse looking back at me and just chilled me through the bone. So talking about like, when you lose your identity, it was like, Okay, this is wow. And sitting with that, that was the other thing like I am literally a runner, but I would say I emotionally tend to run I run from what's uncomfortable about my past patterning. And so having to sit like getting stuck in a wheelchair, and just having to sit with everything. That was an opportunity because again, everybody wants to run that's why our society has so many problems with like, pharmaceuticals and drugs and different things like that we're trying to numb we're trying to do all that. And so that was a chance to sit with it. And that's honestly like the cure that whole I don't want to butcher the quote but like the cure for the pain is the pain or something like that. It was that and so I sat with the ways in which I didn't feel worthy in which I didn't feel beautiful or whatever. I just sat with that and I accepted it. I chose to accept myself there because it was like, what else am I going to do and who else is gonna do it like I have to decide, at my least beautiful at my least kick Ask her whatever, like in my weakness, I get to choose to love and accept and honor myself. And that, to me is the most powerful. So I'm catching myself because I was telling you, I FOMO some of the amputees who come back and physically kick ass quick. But I realized I did a lot of the internal work that I feel is often lacking. And people, you know, even further down the line, because I think it's easier to do our physical stuff first. And it's almost like the quicker you have that the more you can avoid the deeper work, which that's the least comfortable part. So I just kind of had an opportunity to dig deep and kind of transmute all that stuff to come out the other side.
JT 35:37
You mentioned the mind body connection in the beginning. And I, when I first got in military, I was working at a Gold's Gym in Sacramento. And I was seeing these people that were on like the cover of, of these, you know, muscle and fitness or Men's Health, and they were clearly and I don't want to come off like, like a, like a jerk here, because a lot of them were very nice. But when we talk about the fitness industry, now we're going back, right, this we're going back to the 90s It's not a mind body, it was a body. Yeah, for sure. It was the body, right? The so I love that this kind of transformation is happening, where we're looking at things differently. And we're trying to connect the whole mind body. What really stood out to me, what you just said is you said I had the chance. And I think when I when I said like what's different. That's the difference. And this isn't me just blowing smoke this is you're not the first person I've talked to who's gone through some really hard shit and and it's the people and maybe not in the moment, but that in retrospect, look back and go, you know, I had the chance to you've mentioned the word opportunity a couple of times, which is another one it's like, it's the way that it's it's packaging your own brain where you can look at it in a certain way. Because it's very easy just to give in, especially when the when, you know, when we talked about ways to deal with stress and trauma. And one of the first things where they tell you be active, get outside, you feel like be active, as is something that you'd been doing your entire life. And it was it was taken away. So man, I give you a lot of a lot of kudos for being able to look at it and go, Hey, this is an opportunity to me to work through some of these these things, especially coming from a sport where you're being judged. Yeah. Appearance, appearance, gender identity, and giving power to other people on on how you feel about yourself. Yeah, man. Yeah, that had to be a tough road.
SaraMae Hollandsworth 37:52
It is. And I'll tell you to, like, you're talking about seeing what's in the magazine. I mean, I grew up with all those on my wall. And I was in I think muscle media at one point. But being on stage, I remember it's like, that's where I've witnessed, like hearing people, the greatest insecurity, like you think you look at those people. And that's what people do. That's what I did. That's what so many people do. Like, if I can get to this physicality, if I can lift this much weight, if I could have a six pack, if I could do that, I will feel good about myself. And it's like, that's the greatest lie ever. I had all those things. It was honestly, in when I was the least. And that's the decision of it. It was like when I was looked not even like a human. Like I looked like a creature that I chose, I made the decision to love and accept myself. That's what it is. So it's like wherever you are in your journey now is your opportunity. If you want to have the things that you're seeking, that's fine and great. But do you want to get there and still be insecure? Or do you want to get there and truly get to enjoy the things that you've had. And I would encourage everyone to enjoy it and not still be insecure? Because that's the worst feeling right? When when we achieve a goal or whatever, and you're like, oh, that didn't promise me the lives that I believed it would promise me and I think that's a lot of the suffering that we're witnessing today, worldwide. 100%
JT 39:15
What I mean, and that doesn't necessarily have to be a six pack that could be my get the high or the distraction from your phone or from the video games or for whatever it is. And I would imagine, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but but the role the role is a role model your role is a role model which which really can be looked at as service work whether you intended it to me or not brings a level of self pride that it would be very hard to duplicate in any in any other way. I would imagine. You know that's kind of one of the things we're doing is we're trying to to mix like we have an event it's it's Small one is our first one where we're out running or hiking or biking. But we're picking up trash, right? It's this. Awesome. So so it's something for you. And then it's part of being involved in something bigger than you kind of this service work. And then we're trying to connect that. That feeling of the emotion that goes along with that activity. And that feeling of self pride, which is, I think so many people are missing these days, because it's all about how many likes can you get? Or Kodaly? Do you still suffer? I shouldn't say suffer? Does that still? Is it still something that kind of can draw you in? See social media?
SaraMae Hollandsworth 40:42
Oh, my gosh, totally. So a funny story about me is I'm like members obsessed. I'm like Rain Man with numbers. Yeah. So with anything, like I don't have a Fitbit. But I constantly like I want a stepper. But I would be like a dog with a bone. I would only go step all day. Like, that's just how my brain is wired. So there's times where I'm like, I mean, I don't have the most followers the most like the most anything, but there's times where that like, bothers the numbers piece in my brain. But then I'm like, it literally means nothing. So I keep myself real. But yeah, it's easy. I think there's this comparison thing I what I'm noticing more, and I didn't feel it until maybe these last couple years, because the world is really, you know, kind of spotlighting amputees and adaptive athletes at this point. And so they're almost feels like there's pressure to kick butt or, you know, like, achieve this certain thing or that certain thing. And I got wrapped up into that a little bit. And I was CrossFitting. And I'm a competitor by nature. So I was doing that. But I was having to push myself farther than I should and getting injured for it. And that's where I just had to decide like, it literally doesn't matter if I go achieve whatever, you know, it's for, if I've learned anything I've learned that like honoring my health and how my body feels and how healthy and well it is, is much more important than whatever I achieved. So like scaling that back and just not Yeah, trying to not play the game and get drawn in.
JT 42:09
It's hard. It's hard to catch that. Right. It's so easy, especially when that that I would imagine maybe it's a default mode, because even the other fitness stuff you come from like this kind of constant comparison, you feel like if I'm not at this level, well, then I'm selling myself short. Totally. Yeah. And it's got to be a strangely internal battle, because I know just for myself, like anytime you put something out there, whether it be a podcast or whatever, you know, whether it's videos lifting, or it can be a slippery slope. Oh, totally. How is this? How's this been taking? I? I'm so envious of you will like just post something. And then you're like, well, like Did it do good doing? I don't know. I didn't look like Well, wait, what is wrong with me? Because I've been on mine about 30 times today.
SaraMae Hollandsworth 43:00
Totally. I just texted about that last night with a friend. And I was like, I need to do that. I need to just put it out there and leave it alone. And I go through stages. And when I do that I'm great. And funny enough, that's when things tend to take off more the more attached to it. I am it's like, like, last night I posted something I was like, I feel like this is so great. And maybe it was just for me it was like meant a lot to be because not a lot that happened and that's fine. But I was like, What's wrong, me and Cheever and me, I was like, what's wrong? And then I'm like, it literally just doesn't matter.
JT 43:33
I'll do the same thing. I'm like, I'm trying to put the the equation like what is it that that? Well, and what doesn't, and it's and it's pointless, and it's only going to draw what we're at, we're actually I'm going to keep you I'm going to keep you a little we're actually doing a digital fast for February, where we're waiting till February for it because we have some college students that are gonna be coming by. So, you know, I say college students, but I'm 46 and I'm just as low lying fruit for this kind of stuff as an 18 year old. So to really kind of step away from it, because it can monopolize parts of people's days for sure. Like it is totally a dopamine, we'll get it one way or the other.
SaraMae Hollandsworth 44:15
I know when I catch it, I often just turned my phone off or maybe it's an hour maybe it's a day. It's just like I need to just have because I think too we're just wired you know, we're wired to the gaming the technology all that so I just noticed my hand and brain goes to it. I'm not even like actually engaging and it's like you like chewing your nails or something. I'm like I need to turn it off.
JT 44:37
No, yeah, it's it's a modern day. I think somebody I heard cigarette Yeah, right. This is the new smoking. What were you talking about being or maybe you didn't? I'm gonna bring it up the word authentic right authenticity. When if somebody does it again, please Please go to Jeremy's Instagram and it's going to be the show notes. There is such an authentic joy when you get done lifting something, and like you get it like you're jumping up and down and hugging friends, anyone watching, I honestly you can't help but smile. It's fantastic. So I don't know how you can take that. But I, I watch them like this, I don't even need to see the lift is the jumping afterwards, like the joy that you see, it comes across as very authentic. That is for you like, what you did is for you. So you can do
SaraMae Hollandsworth 45:33
take that hopefully I appreciate it. I never I was like Too Cool For School before all this happened. I just I didn't celebrate, I didn't really open myself up at all. And so I will say that's one thing that has really happened. Like for one, I'm just abundantly grateful. It's like any single thing that I achieve, or I'm able to do, I'm just so excited for and I never forget the knee that you know, didn't know if I could do it again. And then I just like I remember I just didn't want to get found out about my fears or insecurities or whatever. And it's like, what this is blessed me with this. It's like you can see it. And I've totally accepted it. So there's nothing I'm trying to I mean, I'm sure there is on some levels, but like hide or protect where I have to be, you know, too cool for school or not authentic. It's just you, you know, you just get to see me.
JT 46:27
That's great. Well, listen, let's talk about soon some of the things you're doing. Some of the projects maybe you're working on, what do you got in the works?
SaraMae Hollandsworth 46:37
I'm starting my own podcast, which I'm super excited about. I've been I'm so grateful, you know, for you reaching out for me to be on it. And I have realized that conversations like these with people with amazing stories and insights and perspectives is some of the most purposeful ways that I spend my time. So I'm really excited to launch that. And then I'm a bit of a gearhead, anyone who knows me, I always have the outfits for the gym. So I'm putting together my own fitness apparel brand. That's going to be you know, inspirational, motivational. Cool. Awesome.
JT 47:09
We're excited to see. So if someone wants to find out more about like, what's going on with that, where do they find it?
SaraMae Hollandsworth 47:16
Yeah, totally. If you want to find any information about those things, the easiest way would be to go to my Instagram. It's at the Sarah Sa ra ma e. And there's a link in there, you can hop on my email list and I'll send out all info about when I'll be launching those and Where to Find Them.
JT 47:37
Awesome. I'm looking forward to it. Jeremy, thank you so much for taking the time. Thank you. Thanks for even though we got we got the crazy yard guy in the background. We made it work. Yay. Thank
SaraMae Hollandsworth 47:47
you so much for having me. It was awesome. Yeah, great. Thanks.
JT 47:52
stoked about the podcast everyone check out Sarah may check out her Instagram and start downloading a podcast the minute it comes out. Thank you.
SaraMae Hollandsworth 48:01
Thank you so much.
JT 48:03
Alright, ladies, gentlemen, that's it for me. Thank you to Sarah Mae for coming on here. I hope you guys got as much from that as I did. Like I said in the beginning, if you guys can help support us to fulfill our mission and it's in your means please head over to consequence of habit.org and throw us a little love. Catch you guys next week.
